I met this guy two days back at a party.He was interested in me , asked my phone number, almost kissed me and somehow i managed to piss him off with my standoffishness and insecurities.. It's not like i would have dated him or any thing..but i cant help thinking why cant i let go and be spontaneous..Why is there so much fear in me to not trust anyone.It's something i am frustrated with and then i mull over the whole thing for hours on end..hmmm..guess i'm going to end up alone after all
here i am almost at the end of another year.some things have changed . i thought it was for the best but well looks like ive jumped from the frying pan into the fire .well for starters i'm not doing well with my msc ,which was supposed to be the thing that changes my life and my boyfriend is so patronizing , it eats me alive.I dont if i love him or if i dont want to be alone .Im truly miserable now.i am in so much pain im tired talking about it. I thought ill be married by now ,in the sense find dome one who loves as me as much as i love him or even more if possible this combined with very poor career choices has left me feeling like a total failure.im wasting money doing this course .im obviously not good atf anything.this year i tried the positive thig ..the affirmations and the releasing, counselling , i tried i really and truly tried .. i went out there with my big , gashy wound ready to change knowing that its might be hard ,might be scary or confusing but still i thougt at the end of all this there is a better life waiting for me but now im right back where i stated ..i cant blame anyone but myself for the state my life is in.i dont want to leave my boyfriend though he obviously wants to leave me but doesnt have the guts to ..because he's old and knows i gave up a lot of things(my fault) to be with him .i dont know what i was thinking in the first place to get involved with him.can anyone be so desperate.sometimes life is worse than sad movies.yes there are a lot more people going through a lot worser things and its shameful in my part to even say that my life is miserable as theirs.but i cannot help feeling hopeless because all i want is lovee, a purpose and to make a contribution and somehow not having these three things makes me feel like life is not worth living ,it wuldnt make a difference if i were alive or dead.
i really love my boyfriend..we haven't been together for too long but are definitely over the initial excitement... he is aaffectionate and all that . but there are other things about him. he's an alcoholic. this actually is a huge problem.. its like dealing with two personalities one when he is sober and the drunk phase. sometimes he's in a good mood but most of the time he isn't .. and he's quite controlling , like when i want to get intimate sometimes he's like no blah blah and if he trys to get close and if i push him away he doesn't take it to well and makes sure he makes love to me.. to top this he's hhad too many women in thee past.. and cheated on most of them . but i still love im. he's got this hypnotic charm which draws me like a moth to a light. . i want to break up with him but dont know how and i am paranoid about being alone.
Previous Postshmmm, posted December 21st, 2012
another year and ..., posted December 20th, 2012
wrong one, posted January 8th, 2012
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